An anchor to the soul

Ether 12:4 states that hope that comes from faith is an anchor to the soul.

I know that's true.

I know it because there's always been something in me that has resisted life and the will to live.

I first noticed it at age 9. I was a child of divorce, the youngest of four, feeling like I didn't matter. I didn't have any friends at school, I had no self-esteem, and I wanted to die. I remember telling my mother I wanted to die. What a heartbreaking thing to hear from a 10-year-old.

But then one day, there was a death in the family. It was my brother. My fun, beloved, and lively older brother.

I was shocked.
Hurt.
Confused.
Angry.
I was a mess of emotions.

But most of all, I was jealous.
Jealous that he got an out while I was stuck on this earth, with all the pain I was feeling.
Jealous that he didn't have to worry about all the hard things in life anymore.

I remember thinking that I wanted to follow him. I remember thinking that I very well could end it all right there. So what was stopping me?

In that moment, the drawing of the plan of salvation came to my mind. I had only seen it about, you know, 100 times, but in that moment it actually became more than just a drawing on the white board. It gained depth. I remembered learning that death wasn't the end and I could see my brother again someday if I endured it well. But did I believe it?

Of course I did. That belief was rooted in my core. I didn't realize it until just then, but beneath all the hurt and the suffering, when it came down to the lowest point, underneath that was my faith in the plan of salvation.

That was my moment. My defining moment. My soul was anchored to Christ and His saving power through His atonement. Did I still want to die? Yes. But I was going to live for Him. I was going to live for my brother who couldn't, and whom I could see again if I just held on. I made the decision to live.

That desire to die has never completely gone away. It has ebbed and flowed, sometimes it's flowed very, very, strongly. But every time it's come down to that point of life or death, I know I've already made my decision. Because faith has formed an anchor for my soul.

I don't know why I have that gift when some people struggle to find and keep their faith. But I know that it has saved my life, both mortally and eternally.

There has always been something in me that has resisted life. But deeper than that, there is something that clings to it. And that's the rock I build on. I have to.

It's hard. It is the most difficult thing that I do every day, to divert every thought and every desire to the place that clings to life, but I wont give myself another option. I cant give myself another option.

Because Christ didn't give himself another option when he was in that garden, or on that cross, suffering and dying for me.