Reserved.

12 years ago today, I walked into a church building. It was a Monday. I wore my nicest dress. It was a knee-length, black dress with a pink trim and over it, I wore a pink fringed lace poncho.  Filed in line with my family, we walked up the chapel walkway to the second and third row. I forget any sounds of people mingling. I forget if we were even greeted by anyone. I don't remember anyone's face. I only remember tape over the entrance to the pews with a sign on it.

"Reserved." 

I had seen signs like these before, but this time was different. This time, those pews were reserved for me. Me and my family. I mean, all but one of us. 

I had never attended a funeral before. It was the strangest thing. I remember thinking that I should be crying. I remember my grandmother singing in the pew behind me, very loudly and off-key. I remember that someone I didn't even know sang a musical number. I remember my poem and illustration were on the back of the program. 

We went to the cemetery. Cops went ahead to block intersections so that the entire caravan could stay together. On one of the back roads, a man on the other side of the road pulled over, got out of his car, and put his hat over his heart. At the grave site, I sat in one of the blue, fuzzy chairs up front. It was hot out, and I was burning up in my black clothes. I felt so...out of place. 

That day is burned in my brain. Every year around this time, my family goes back to the cemetery. We plant new flowers, bring some bouquets for the holders on the side, maybe even put up a new flag on the little post we staked there some years ago. But my mom--she doesn't go there. 

She says he's not there. She says that, to feel him, she goes to the temple. 

When I was about to go to the temple for the first time, I was so excited. I wanted to feel him again. I could sometimes feel him through my music, and sometimes during church things, but I wanted more. So the day came, and I went in....and I couldn't find him. Maybe I've been looking too hard. But I haven't felt him come back to me in a while.

But while it's disappointing, I'm not worried. Because I know that currently, he's reserved for greater work. He knows I don't need him right now as badly as the other people he needs to help.

While I may not be finding his spirit with my when I go to the temple, I know that as long as I keep myself in the temple, I am reserving my own place next to him when I get to his level. Then, I wont have to wonder and I wont have to search for him. He'll always just be there.